From Slavery to Sonship My encounter at Singing Waters, Canada
Aug 2, 2006
Dear family & friends,
It is only when we come to the end of ourselves that life begins to happen.
These past two weeks in Orangeville, Canada have deeply changed my perspective on life & the understanding of who I am. Before coming, God had already begun to bring me to the end of myself earlier in June. I had traveled to Australia to attend a Hill-song conference with my family and friends from Hong Kong. I went to the conference already burnt out from ministry, frustrated and ready to thrown in the towel. During the conference God spoke to me in a clear simple theme from each speaker, “the Christian walk is a marathon and not a sprint.” Every main speaker somehow spoke about their own journey of reaching “burn out” in the ministry and how God got them out of it. From Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Reinhardt Bonnke, Frank Damazio, Jentzen Franklin to Louie Giglio they all shared about the need to truly understand what it means to live in God’s grace. I knew God was speaking to me about “slowing down” and learning to truly understand what it meant to live in His power and not my own. Coming back to California I was awakened to my need, but still without understanding of how to go about fixing it.
When I got back to California I had to coordinate our national leadership gathering for our ministry. God moved in power, but I was still running on the last bit of fuel I had in me to lead. I was desperate. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was completely drained from giving out in ministry. It had come to a point where I was at the end of my rope and if God didn’t do a miracle I couldn’t see how I could go on as “Jaeson Ma” the campus revivalist the public had come to know. I wanted to hide, tell the world I’m not who you think I am and hang up my hat. I felt like a hypocrite because I had been preaching a message of intimacy with God, yet I had lost my own intimacy with the Father from being so busy these past few years of itinerant ministry. Not only this, but I was struggling with my own issues of loneliness, temptation, rejection, pride and the fear of failure. I knew the enemy was trying to take me out for good. Honestly, I was scared and feeling as though there was no hope. I knew God loved me, but I didn’t love myself.
In a desperate plea, I came to a ministry center called “Singing Waters” two weeks ago. A few friends of mine had told me how this ministry had radically changed their lives and restored their relationship with God. Even though my schedule & responsibilities would not allow me to take a break, I didn’t care, it was either breakthrough or complete burn out. By faith, I bought a plane ticket and signed up for two summer courses they were offering at Singing Waters called, “The Father’s Love & Transformation of the Heart.” Taking these two courses was probably the best decision I have ever made, next to my decision to become born again. In a way, I seriously feel born again “again”. These two weeks in Canada have changed my life forever.
In a nutshell, the ministry helped me understand how the Father sees me, how I am to see myself and to know who I am in the Father. Trust me, I’ve been through every inner healing and deliverance ministry, read all the books, ministered this type of ministry myself, preached on the Father’s heart and our identity in Christ, but for so many years, it was mainly information and not revelation in my heart. After what I’ve experienced these past two weeks I can honestly & humbly say that the love of the Father is beginning to become revelation and not just head knowledge. I’m finally getting it a little bit!
I want to cry because I can’t express in words what I have experienced and am experiencing at this moment. There is joy in my heart, true joy, a joy that comes from deep down inside. It is secure, it is safe, it is peaceful and it is not contrived. I feel like the last 7 years of my born again experience was living a lie. Not that God is a liar, for it is impossible for Him to lie, but that I had believed a lie. I believed that “Jaeson Ma” had to perform for God, for others and for himself. I thought my heart intentions in ministry were for God’s purposes, but deep down in my subconscious I was living my life not for God, but mostly for myself & out of fear. God is so gracious though, even in our immaturity He will bless us. His loves never changes for us. He is faithful even when we are faithless.
Good Things vs. the Best Thing
In my immaturity God still brought purpose to my life & blessed me with so many “good things” as His child. He gave me salvation, His presence, a sense of destiny, divine favor, spiritual gifts, prophetic encounters, revival breakthroughs on campuses and even a worldwide ministry. But what good is it to gain the whole world but forfeit your soul? You see, I valued God for what He could give me, but I didn’t value God for who He was and what He desired most, to be my Father & friend.
Sometimes God gives us what we want to show us what we really need. God gave me “Christian” success because this is what I wanted. I thought it could earn His acceptance and I thought if I was successful in the Christian world’s eyes I could accept myself. Yet, what good is it to do miracles, prophesy, have faith to move mountains & even have passion to be martyred for Christ if you do not have love? Many times we get caught up with the “good things” and forget the very “best thing.” Friendship with God is most precious, but somehow I know it, but don’t live it.
At the end of the day, I realized through my time in Canada that the reason why I was burning out, a workaholic, driven by the ministry, etc was because ultimately I saw myself as a failure. I saw myself as a slave, a servant, desperately trying daily to be more holy, more anointed, more this or more that in my own human strength to please God, others and myself. I was a people pleaser and a “me” pleaser. It was impossible to say “no” to ministry invitations or the demands of people wanting me to serve them with my gifts because I was deep down afraid they would not love me if I didn’t say “yes”. So I had to keep giving and giving, but you can only give so much. I was no longer serving God, but I was serving ministry because I was afraid of being rejected if I told people no. I strove for perfection in all things, because I was afraid what others would think of me if I failed.
My ministry became my identity. It was about what I did and how I did it for God. The weight of the ministry was on my shoulders daily because I had set upon myself a standard of perfection. I felt so tired everyday because in my mind I was obligated to keep up this public Christian leader persona, this image of impeccability and perfect holiness. I had traded grace for law, freedom for religion. I was overly responsible- a control freak with a messiah complex that said, “It all depends on “me” or else all will crumble.” I thought I was indispensable, but I now know I’m not. Not even close. There is nothing I can do to add to God’s work.
The more I failed in my own expectations that I put on myself the more I felt like I was a loser, I didn’t have what it takes, and I wouldn’t be able to finish the race God had called me to. This sent me into daily battles of depression, loneliness, fear and pain. I felt it was up to me to make it happen. How wrong I was.
Transformation of the Heart
At Singing Waters through the “Transformation of the Heart” teaching I began to understand how the different influences in life have shaped who I am and how I see myself. These influencers were my parents, authority figures, Asian culture, intimate relationships, generational lines, & life experiences. Each shaped my understanding of myself & through them I came to the conclusion that I was a spiritual failure in life. I thought I had to work and perform for others in order to prove that I was not a failure. Yet, I kept failing in my performance and this led me to shame.
Shame = there is something wrong with me, the wrongness of being, the focus is on yourself, I have to do something to make something right with me
It was not that I didn’t believe that God loved me, liked me and desired relationship with me no matter how many times I failed. I knew God loved me no matter what. My problem wasn’t with God, my problem was with myself. I didn’t like “Jaeson Ma” and who I had become. I couldn’t stand myself when I failed, gave into temptation, or was rejected by others. There was a deep seated root of rejection from my childhood that believed in the lie that in order to not feel rejected I had to prove myself, earn love, earn acceptance and show the world “Jaeson is special and loveable.” This mentality didn’t change after I got saved it carried into the ministry and all my relationships. I had a need to be needed because it gave me value. Therefore, ministry became my identity because it served my need to be significant and honored by others.
In my heart I really did love God, want to help people, desired revival, but it was motivated mainly out of a fear of rejection and not out of love. I felt I had to bring about revival, if not, I was a failure.
Through the course I learned I had formed some ungodly self-belief systems
* I am a spiritual failure
* I don’t have what it takes
* No one will really love me outside of my gifting
* There is nothing wrong with God, there is something wrong with me
These self beliefs formed my core identity. In which I believed that at the end of the day “Jaeson was a failure.” In order to prove that I wasn’t a failure I had to perform and work harder but this is no use when you already believe you are a failure, you have already lost the battle. I kept trying to maintain a false self-image (the super image) that said Jaeson must be: perfect, holy, successful, competent, intellectual, honorable, mature, faithful, in control, dependable, a good leader, provider, have it all together, always full of faith and never show weakness. The list could go on. The point is I could not maintain that “super-image” because when you aim for perfection, you will always come short. Therefore when I failed, I rejected myself and then believed others would reject me also. This threw me into bouts of self-hatred, feeling like a failure, a hypocrite, depression, bitterness and loneliness. With the ministry moving so fast and my public persona becoming more and more widespread, I was perfectly set up for failure.
So how did it all change?
Encountering the Truth of Who I Am
It changed when I encountered the truth of who I was. It changed when I realized why I am here? It changed when I saw how God saw me and I began to see it myself.
A breakthrough happened when I had my personal ministry appointment with the trained counselors during one of the afternoons. They helped me identify all my false self-belief systems and why I was experiencing the pain I was experiencing. It finally hit home when they asked me to ask the Holy Spirit to show me how I saw myself.
I saw a picture of a teenage boy chained to the corner of a room. He was malnourished, full of fear and completely tormented. It was painful to see. The boy was a slave locked up in a horrible prison.
Later, the counselors asked me to ask Holy Spirit how He saw me. As I asked the Holy Spirit to show me His view of me the first picture I saw was a cartoon baby, it looked like “little Jack Jack” from the movie “Incredibles” and he had his fist up to the sky like superman! I was shocked to see this picture. At that moment I knew what God was saying to me.
“Jaeson, you are not a slave, you are my son, you are not a failure & you have what it takes!”
One of the counselors then asked me, “Jaeson lets go back to the picture of the enslaved boy. If there was someone in the room trying to hurt him what would you do? I said, “I would knock him out!” The counselor asked why? I responded, “Because it’s not fair, he can’t defend himself and it’s not his fault.”
I then realized this is what Jesus would do for me if I would let Him. We prayed and Jesus set me free. Like, free for real. Something at that point in me shifted, changed, transformed, I don’t know how to explain it, but there was a freedom from shame and a hope for the future.
Living from Approval & Not for Approval
There is so much more to share. I learned so much, encountered so much, and was graced with so much. I’ve been listening to one of the teachings on the Father’s Love nearly every morning. It’s so awesome! I’m beginning to understand what it means to no longer be a slave, but a son. That there is nothing I can do to gain God’s approval. There is nothing I can do to add to God’s work. Our value has nothing to do with what we can do for Him, but our value is based upon what Jesus did for us. I failed and exchanged report cards with Jesus. He got all my F’s and I got all His A’s! He got what my deeds deserved, death on a cross. I got what His deeds deserved, to be seated with Christ in heavenly places.
I will no longer live for approval, but from approval. Ministry will no longer be my identity, my identity is in Christ. I’m not an apostle, I’m not a prophet I am a son! I am not a human doing, I am a human being! I am, therefore I do, not the other way around! I am free to be me and I can’t fail because I have been accepted by my heavenly Father since the day I was born. I no longer have to be afraid of missing God’s will or feeling like I have to make it happen. I can rest. I can truly rest in His sovereignty. I am learning that
“Whether I take a nap or raise the dead the pay is the same!” Bob Jones
I’m all smiles right now. Why? Because God values (honors, highly esteems, blesses, favors) me with the same value He placed on His Son Jesus. I am highly favored.
“I have given them the glory that you gave Me that they may be one as we are One!” John 17:22
Whoa. That is a radical statement! God loves me with the same love He loved Jesus with. That is mind boggling. I am a son of God and so are you His beloved son & daughter! We are His children created to receive the Father’s love and to give it away. This is what life is all about.
Be like a Child & Remember to Remain Vulnerable
It’s funny, but recently God has been speaking to me a lot through movies. In the last months I have watched a few films with the same theme or message. The movies were, Over the Hedge, Cars, Click, The Kid, and a few others that basically reminded me that life is not about how successful one is, how much work one gets accomplished, how much we perform, or how many titles we hold, but it’s about “relationships.” Life is about having fun & remaining vulnerable like children. It’s about intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God and others. It’s about trust and it’s about enjoying life while giving away joy to all those around you. Sometimes in life we need to “slow down” or we will miss the true blessings. What are those blessings? It’s your family, it’s your friends it’s the things that really matter.
I made some of the best friends in only two weeks at Singing Waters. When I first got there I was freaking out because more than half of the people there for the summer courses were from Taiwan & China and they all knew me because I had preached at their churches! I was like, “oh God get me out of here!” ahaha but as I let down my guard, became vulnerable and like a child again, I had the most fun one could ever have. I’ll never forget them. They truly understood me, accepted me in my brokenness and loved me for who I am. I met Daisy, goodness, this is the funniest warm hearted gal I’ve ever met! Her fun loving spirit really inspired me to become like a child again. I met Roberto, a sarcastic, funny old man from Switzerland that taught me how to joke and not be so serious. There were many others, the point being, it was one memorable experience with a community I’ll never forget. Which reminded me of what life is all about family.
When I got to “Singing Waters” I told God in my journal, “I need a miracle or I don’t think I’m going to make it.” I really didn’t think it would happen, but it did. God is faithful & I am in awe! The day before I left the leadership prayed me off with a blessing. One of them prophesied, “Jaeson today you become a son, JAE-SON, see it is in your name. You are no longer a servant, but a son and God’s unstoppable blessings will be yours, for you are His, your name means “healer” for as you are healed you will heal many in your generation.”
My 11:11 Purpose
Just before I left, I felt led to ask the workshop speaker to speak a blessing over me. They were teaching on the “Power of Blessing” and how words affect our lives even before our birth. I realized that when I was born, I was not only rejected by being almost aborted, but my name in Chinese was fought over by my parents. The middle character “cheng” had two meanings. My father wanted the “cheng” that was a political power word, because he wanted me to be a politician or one mighty in the world. My mother wanted “cheng” which was a word for “upright” or one who would walk in righteousness because she wanted me to become a minister for the Lord. At that moment I realized that for years I have been trying to live up to both my parent’s expectations and was caught in trying to perform at both. But then I heard God saying to me, “You don’t have to be either, you only have to be my son!” Those words set me free to be me. I was now ready to receive a blessing and the workshop speaker spoke the Aaronic blessing over my life.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upone you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
I received it gladly and something special, peaceful was deposited in my spirit.
Lastly, as I was receiving the spoken blessing in His presence I remembered two special verses that came to my mind.
“After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.” John 11:11
“But after three and a half days a breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them.” Revelation 11:11
I was born on 11:11:1980. I always wondered why? During my time in Singing Waters the Holy Spirit not only showed me who I was, but also why I am here. I am called to be a “son of awakening” I felt a sudden conviction deep in my heart as the Holy Spirit reminded me of my 11:11 calling. It was His will that I be a voice to “awaken” this generation not only to God’s power and purposes, but now into sonship. Let it be so Lord, let it be so according to Your will.
Preparing for Fatherhood
It has always been a weird desire of mine to be a father. I’ll pick up secular and Christian books on being a good dad studying them to prepare myself for the future, be it God’s will. Maybe it’s because I felt that was something I missed growing up as a child. I think the reason why I’ve grown up & become old too fast was because I took on that role of father being the only male in my household when my father was absent in my childhood/teenage years.
After my time at Singing Waters I’m realizing now that you can’t be a father unless you have first become a son. A father can’t be a great father unless he has also been fathered himself. I never experienced truly what it meant to just be a son. I always felt I had to be father, to take care of my mother, my sisters, and those I was entrusted with in the ministry. The more I think about this issue, the more I believe what this generation needs is not another call to a greater destiny or work for God. Instead, what this generation needs is a great call to become sons and daughters of God. Sons who know they have what it takes because Daddy said so. Daughters who know they are worth fighting for because their Daddy gave them value. What this generation needs more than anything else are true spiritual fathers and mothers who will love them for who they are and not what they do.
Please pray with me that God would truly turn the hearts of the fathers and mothers to the children and the children to the fathers. Please pray that I would first understand that to prepare myself to be a good father in the future, I first have to live as an honored son.
Pressing through the Shame
I know I have not arrived, but I am pressing on to forget the things behind and moving forward to what lies ahead. Meaning, I know I can’t do ministry, live my life, the way that I used to anymore. I can’t just have a two week encounter & think that all is changed. Rather, I need to truly live out the transformation from slavery to sonship. To press through the shame of the past and press into the grace of God. Please pray for me. I am praying about my next steps and I sense I need to take a season of my life to simply “rest” in His presence, become normal again, stop acting so old and seriously stop and smell the flowers. I need time to process deeper the issues of my heart, my core identity and re-evaluate the motives for ministry. How this will look like, I really don’t know, and that’s ok. Haha I don’t know what’s going on anymore, but God does and that’s all that matters.
Thank you for your prayers, I would be gone without them. Without your love, your blessings, your friendship, I wouldn’t have been able to find myself or the little that I have found. I am grateful for friends like you it means everything GOD BLESS!
His son,
Jaeson
www.singingwaters.org
52 Responses to “A Transformation of My Heart”
Questions? Comments! Ask Jaeson.
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May our Lord be our all in all!
I just dedicated a post on my blog to your experience. Powerful stuff. Bless you from Gibraltar.
Amen, Praise the Lord.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…He has made everything beautiful in its time. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. (Ecclesiastes 3)
Dear Pastor Jaeson, be happy!
Hope you receive the Big present for your birthday from Our Heavenly Father on 11.11.06
God bless you!!!
Hello you don’t know me, but my name is Samuel and I’m a Junior at the University of Florida. I just read your post and it was really encouraging. Praise God! Thank you for taking that time to share what God has been showing you about sonship. It was a great reminder to me. May the Lord continue to deepen this revelation to you! Grace and peace!
In Christ,
Samuel
Hey Jaeson,
My name is DJ and I am on staff with Campus Crusade at Cal Poly Pomona. As I read your blog I couldn’t help but remember two books that have really helped me focus my life on Christ and I thought they would be a blessing to you. They are:
1) The Cross-Centered Life by C.J. Mahaney
and
2) God is the Gospel by John Piper
God used both of these books to show me where our firm foundation should be, the gospel and in the value of God in Christ, with him at the center of our passions. I thought these books would bless you in regards to all the stuff you said in this post. God bless you brother!
hey i’m pretty sure you know/remember me but anyways…
reading your blog post has really inspired me to take a break from things…and seeing how you’ve gained so much and matured so much in the Lord brings joy to my heart too; it’s like rejoicing with a brother because he’s learnt something new..i can’t quite articulate this but i suppose the point i’m trying to get at is that i’m happy for you and i hope God continues to reveal more of Himself to you and in the process, reveal more about yourself to you too :)
God bless!
thnx dj…i appreciate the book recommendations :) i’ll check em out when i can. blessings to da ccc team in pomona …look fwd to meeting all of you sometime
Wow. I’m so encouraged and blessed by this entry. You are such a blessing to this world! I’ve been meditating on God’s grace too! Anyways, my prayers are with you. Hope you have a fantastic rest of the summer! And thank you for this entry! =)
Jaeson, thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable. You aren’t alone. We will be praying for you here at cccpomona.
BTW, I like your new picture.
thnx mel for the words of blessing! yeah i do remember u. always good to read ur comments. i pray u find great rest also in this season and enjoy sitting in your Abba Father’s lap :) woohoo!
Hey, that’s cool! Respect! It’s our decision if we wanna step out and go thru the healing process or if we run away. That’s why I’m happy that you didn’t stop walking the walk. Cos when I have passion for something I’m also ready to go thru some pain – COS IT’S WORTHY! I love Jesus! He’s my lover! =)
I can see that God is calling and transforming people all around the world.I feel that He is really tearing off old patterns /imprintings that have been hided deeply in our hearts and souls. We’re all in a process. God walks ahead – I try to follow the best I can cos I trust Him that it’s all for my benefit. I want to encourage you to go thru it all, to always come back to the place where’s true love to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I had my break down in march this year and now I’m going thru some restoration. God gave me back my passion again when all was lost. I’m half-asian, so I know about this shame thing. But you can call it fear, too. My biggest enemy at the moment is fear at the moment. But I’m breaking thru and soon I’m gonna be flying like a bird thru the skys =). It feels so good to break stones, to become more and more the woman God has always intended me to be! As if God took away a heavy burden from my shoulders that Jesus wants to carry for me!
FREEDOM IS WHEN I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I AM TRULY LOVED. Then it’s ok to make mistakes, than I can be WHO I AM, cos LOVE WILL CAST OUT ANY FEAR! I HATE FEAR!
Fear destroys so much – especially relationships.
OK, you’re a loved SON of the father! Never forget! That’s the truth! You’re loved by God and the people around you!
Hi, Jaeson. I get inspirted every time reading your sharing. I praise God for your passion for Him! God is at work! He is transforming us first before we can become transforming agent to our campuses!
Remember this verse,” And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” ( Exodus 33:17). God knows you by name.. He knows you personally.. He created you.. and He loves you.. :)Find comfort and strength in that…
-gRaCe-
Hey Jaeson,
it’s Kim, from Campus Renewal at UT Austin. Just wanted to say that your latest post was really inspiring and I’m so happy for you for what God’s doing in your life. You never cease to amaze me with your faith, perseverance and dedication, and I know God’s going to take you to even greater heights as you continue to draw closer to Him.
It was really interesting to read about how God showed you how He sees you, because it’s something that seems to be happening to a lot of people I know, myself included. Anyway, I just wanted to drop you a note and encourage you on your journey of faith. Take care and God bless!
Jaeson, this is great stuff. I am on staff with CCC in Great Plains Int’l region. I met you at Estes Park last fall when you spoke to our local leaders but not sure if you remember me which is understandable.
The Lord just recently pointed out some of this similiar stuff to me during a fast. One book a friend recommended to me was “We Would See Jesus” by Roy Hession. Pretty cool stuff.
Praying for you bro and looking forward to you being with us at DCC2007. It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about Him.
Jaeson, your entry brought tears to my eyes. Praises to our Father, for flesh and blood did not reveal those things to you…
If you didn’t do another thing in “ministry” for the rest of your life and all that you’ve done so far were to be forgotten, I’d still be your friend, bro. :)
Hey Jaeson. I hope you’re doing well. Just read your blog. It was really refreshing to read and really powerful. Been praying for you and your ministry. And I asked the Holy Spirit what I looked like in His eyes too. And got a really good response. Take care. I will keep praying!
Hey Jaeson. I’ve been praying for you and your minsitry. It was really refreshing to hear what God has been doing in your life. It is always an inspiration to read what you’re up to! God bless!
Please give our best regards to Rev. M. Anton Cruz.
“…the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.” (Psalm 32:10)
His unfailing love surrounds you and the orphans in Chennai.
Pastor Jaeson, keep you in our prayer.
hey everybody..sitting at a internet cafe in london w/ no visa to get to india :P pray for me!
thnx for all the encouraging words and advice… yu guys and gals are awesome friends!
please pray i’m stuck in london for a few days awaiting a visa to india..i’m supposed to speak to thousands of orphans in chennai (royalkids.org) then to taiwan for our university training camps…
God is in control eh? dude..everything out here costs a GRIP! Lord have mercy!
When there’s nothing to lose, you’re always a winner!
So what can you really lose in life? – Just life itself!
So I think, you better take care of your heart staying alive and let it heal before it dies. Fear makes me lie – fear makes me die – love makes me fly!
Be all blessed!
-Tina from Germany.
Take Care
You are in my prayer
ah london — pretty, quaint and pricey :P
well, hope you’ve gotten to india by now…have been praying! live by faith and not by sight :)
Jaeson,
Loved the insights you shared. God has been taking many of us on the same journey. This past year, I think I told you, I read One Thing (Ps 27:4) and I saw that I didn’t value this. Your journal entry was a reminder. Love your heart, your vulnerability and love for God.
He is good.
jaeson maaaa!
i heard you speak twice at forerunner retreats, i doubt you remember me (i am one of MANY little asian girls) but i met a friend of yours, clay headden, during an internship at ZHOP in fort mill last month. small world. i’ve begun reading your journal even though i’ve had the address saved since last december, and it’s encouraging to see the goodness of God through you, his son. you are all up in my prayers, and God bless you like crazy.
Dear Pastor Jaeson,
How are you? We miss you.
How about the orphans?
We saw Rev. M. Anton Cruz in ACPC.
Welcome back to Hong Kong.
thnx steve and dennis and everyone for the love and understanding..u all rock friends…glad to be journeying with u :)
hi jaeson~
your words are so encouraging. im really so so happy for you that you’ve been refreshed and found ‘the perfect peace that transcends all understanding’ in Jesus. i hope in this season of your soul as you rest in the Lord and dive deeper into his love, i know you’ll just fall in love with Him all over again. how exciting~ hahah well i just pray even more blessings over you dear brothaAaa. =)
hey jack jack,
just wanna tell u,
u are wonderful!
no matter wt u’ve done,
great or not.
i remember a preacher teach tht,
look at the mirror and say, i am beautiful, coz i looks like my father.
u are BEAUTIFUL, from the inside out.
Bless u, enjoy Him!
so i haven’t read your blog for months, that’s why i’m commenting like a hungry animal these last few days…
the vulnerability in this post is beauitful. and what happened in it is as well. i had a similar moment after Passion Gen 3, actually, right while everyone was packing up the stage and instruments when it was all over. i sat with my legs hanging over the stage and i remember God showing me where I was headed: toward religious prestige. And i could choose to be his son or to keep working my ass off to ascend this ladder of Christian prestige and position. I made my choice then, and i knew then, deeply, that i was loved. it was right after all the fanfare of that night. amazing, God’s timing. anyhow. since then i’ve been free. or free-er. whatever. it’s been real.
thanks for your vulnerability in this. i said that before, but i think that’s something this generation needs to see in their leaders. i think it will leave some confused–aren’t leaders supposed to be strong?–but the kind of confusion that breaks the idolization of Christian personalities and that puts the focus back onto God.
So thanks, thanks for writing all this and sharing it.
interestingly i think the ppl who did the workshops in canada may have just come to hk last month or so. i had dinner with them one night; the main speaker dude was pretty cool. :)
Peace and grace for the marathon.
Go and change the world!! :)–>
thank you pastor jma
i really blessed when i read your blog…
i have a same experience with you
i’m too busy with my ministry and slowly i begin to lost my intimacy with daddy jesus…
but when i read your blog i just felt that i have to come back to jesus cz He is the one and without Him i’am nothing at all…
okay thank you n see you on asia for jesus surabaya indonesia…>.<
i’m from surabaya indonesia…
Dear Jaeson,
Thanks for sharing your life story. As I was just struggling with issues of the past, God led me to your writing.
God bless you and may you find peace and happiness in Him.
Thanks for this sharing. If I were in this position I would really need deep humility & also revelation just to understand what I am in God. Your sharing makes me understand how I was wrongly walk with the LORD. It reminds me how beutiful it is just to be with Jesus. Thanks. May God bless you inside & outside always. I thank God for the many saved in Surabaya Army of God Crusade and may He uses us specifically for His Glory.
Jaeson, I found your website while researching http://www.royalkids.org affiliated with Pastor Anton Cruz in Chennai India. He has asked us to come to teach on worship and I was doing a little preliminary research. Have you been there to minister? Any feedback? Also I am familiar with Singing Waters. Friends of mine, Mike & Becky Chaille were ministering there in Canada. Another friend, Cindy Gilmer was there for ministry as well. Not sure if your paths ever crossed but would it be like God to make connections. Anyway, jsut wanted to see what your thoughts and experiences were with Royal Kids. Blessings! Linda
AMEM!!!
阿门!!!
Gambate!!!
Hi! Read this text of yours…thank you for writing it…it is so real and honest…it feels so good that we “only” have to be sons and daughters, not leaders, not fathers or mothers in the first place…maybe one day I can learn “only” to be a daughter, “only” to be a beloved. Bless you! chinni from germany
[...] Since his fall, I hadn’t heard about his whereabouts. But, I do remember when hearing about his fall how much it related to myself. In 2006 I was struggling with my own bouts of inner turmoil. I was very discouraged and wanted to quit being a pastor because of all the pressure, expectations and even my own personal struggles with pornography. By God’s grace I found healing through going to a leadership retreat center (Singing Waters) that set me free from inner struggle by giving me a revelation of “The Father’s Heart and Core Identity in Christ” …. read about it here [...]
How great!!! Reading this I feel that I got a relief from being or trying to be perfect!
Howdy do?
Say about a month ago, i was in LA for the 1O4O Movie showing. You guys did an awesome job!
c:
and was wondering if i can get more information on a showing of the movie for this weekend.
c:
It’ll be a great time to show the youth at my church (Hmong Christian Missionary & Alliance Chruch) here in fresno during the 3Ohr Famine.
i would love to hear back from you! Thanks
*GAbbie*
Hi Jaeson
Just want to say, Jesus LOVES you, always and I pray you will receive a deeper revelation of His love daily. He is singing over you, His banner of love is over you and by faith in Christ I believe you will be a great father, cos you look up to our Father…
God bless you
J
[...] “After my time at Singing Waters I’m realizing now that you can’t be a father unless you have first become a son. A father can’t be a great father unless he has also been fathered himself…Instead, what this generation needs is a great call to become sons and daughters of God. Sons who know they have what it takes because Daddy said so. Daughters who know they are worth fighting for because their Daddy gave them value. What this generation needs more than anything else are true spiritual fathers and mothers who will love them for who they are and not what they do.” Jaeson Ma [...]
[...] http://jaesonma.com/a-transformation-of-my-heart/ [...]
[...] “Identity Discovery” by my good friend Steve Chua that changed my life some years ago (READ HERE for the story). I sent my friend a few of the sermons to listen to and he responded to me [...]
[...] “Identity Discovery” by my good friend Steve Chua that changed my life some years ago (READ HERE for the story). I sent my friend a few of the sermons to listen to and he responded to me [...]
Dear Jaeson, wow, I read this and cried. Thank you for you words of honesty. I also had been struggling with what you are struggling and your words has helped me and inspired me. Wow sign me up for that course! I thank God for teaching you and the honesty of putting what you had gone through into words. I pray that God remind you each day of his Father’s heart. I pray that God remind you each day that you are his Son. I pray that God will never allow youto forget who you truly are in HIm.
In Jesus Name I pray Amen.
What had already happened we couldn’t change, but what is ahead is always in our hands. Who we are today and who we will be in the future is exactly in God hands, whatever happened and what is going to happen is within His perfect plans for us; though with our human eyes, they sometimes seem to be bad; but in God, He will turn all things to become good for those who love Him. Am amazed for your humble heart that you are willing to let yourself down and be changed by God, even through people around. Thanks for being real and being who you are, you’re story has encouraged brothers and sisters around to press on, for we know that there is someone like us out there pressing on to.
Hey Jaeson, I’ve translate this message into Chinese and am about to put it on my blog. Hope it would inspire my friends in Taiwan! I’m asking your permission to use the pictures.
Hi Asaph,
You can use the pictures! Thanks!
Hey Jaeson,
I have no idea if you’ll get the chance to read this. I met you a couple days ago, at Regeneration at Coastal Church in Vancouver. I told you, you had been a huge inspiration to me this year. =) Anyways, I really encountered God that evening and I felt so convicted to serve. I’ve made a covenent with God to serve at least 2 yrs in missions in the next 10 years.
But only 2 days after Regeneration, I started feeling this re-occuring feeling of extreme loneliness and inadequacy. I asked myself what I feared the most and it wasn’t death – not at all, but FAILURE. At my church and around my friends, everyone looks up to me. I serve so much and my pastor encourages me telling me how I’m faithful and how all the girls at church look up to me. But inside, I feel so alone and scared. I feel like I’m breaking and I can’t hold up this persona of “perfect Jeri” anymore. I try so hard all the time to please God and please ppl, my friends. I work so hard for their acceptance and for God’s acceptance. And when I don’t get that acceptance I expect from my friends, I feel so rejected and disspointed. I would think to myself “if I just stopped serving in my Church, my youth group will fail.” I thought I was indespensible. I kept on saying to God “I’m your servant..I’m your servant.” I was just so tired. So tired and feeling so alone.
And then I read your blog. I read it..and every single thing you said was true to my heart. I thought I was doing so much for God’s kingdom. But what am I to God? It is by GRACE that I am saved, and not by my own good works.
mmm…I could go on and on about this.
But, I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m living OUT OF grace, not FOR grace. It’s time for me to stop thinking I need work for love, for the greatest love has already be freely given to me. It’s time to stop being disspointed by the rejection of an imperfect world and start rejoicing in the perfection of my Father’s love. =)
Thanks for your blog. I don’t think you know how many times God has spoken to me through you. haha..It’s crazy. =P
Jaeson, I recently finished the Chinese translation of this article.Here’s the link.:)
http://tw.streetvoice.com/article/user-article.asp?dn=756715
Maybe you can ask some of your Chinese friends to revise over it. Please post the link so that it would bless other people~
Jaeson = “Just a son.” =)